Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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