DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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