Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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