I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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