I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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