we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
