I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
