i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
