dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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