everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
