so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
