I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
