Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
