Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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