He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
