I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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