I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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