I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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