I will die if light touches me.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
