Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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