You're my little dorito
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
