I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
