just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
