i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
