Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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