I have demons in me.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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