Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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