if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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