I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
