I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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