In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
