i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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