You were right. It hurts to walk today.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
