i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
