if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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