You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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