Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
