She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
