Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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