They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
