Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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