you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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