The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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