all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
