Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
