we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
