one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
