1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just gargled with NyQuil
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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