it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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