Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
