my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
