I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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