can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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