Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
