I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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