All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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