Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
